Bringing awareness to ones communication style, can be very helpful. Assertiveness training can improve communication and relationships with others. The goal is to adopt a sense of, “I win, you win” instead of simply trying to, get what you want.

Quiz: What’s your communication style?

Being assertive isn’t only good for your relationships, it’s good for reducing stress and anger, and communicating better according to the Mayo Clinic. It can also help boost self-esteem.

We all have different ways of getting our points across. Most communication styles fall within four categories: Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, or Assertive.

Aggressive communication disrespects others’ boundaries: “I win, but you lose.”

With passive communication, boundaries are violated by others: “You win, and I lose.”

Passive aggressive communication action is a deliberate but covert way of expressing anger (Long, Long & Whitson, 2009) and is most often motivated by a person’s fear of expressing anger directly.

In assertive communication, boundaries are mutually respected.

What type of communication style do you typically use? Does your style change depending on your audience? In which situations would you be most likely to try to improve your assertiveness?

When someone comes at you more aggressively, it’s important to consider the source. Why might this person be saying what they are saying? It might have nothing to do with you, maybe they’re just having a bad day, or a hard time. Try and take a moment to reflect before responding. If it is personal, not all criticism is bad. In this case, can any of what they are saying be true and helpful? Is there something to learn and grow from here? If so, maybe say to this person that you hear their perspective, and you would like to do better. Ask if they have any specific feedback you can use to improve. Then remember that this is just someone’s opinion. Sometimes you will want to take that in, and sometimes you won’t.

The next time you draft an email or text message that could be interpreted different ways; re-read it to yourself and imagine someone was sending you the same message. Is there anything you would change?

Read more about assertiveness here

Contact me if you would like to work on your own assertiveness skills, or for a company training.

The other day, I wrote a little about cognitive distortions. These are unhelpful thoughts that we all tend to have, that are not rational, and can likely cause negative feelings. Most of us do not pay attention to the way we are talking to ourselves; our internal dialogue. Identifying these unhelpful thought patterns is a first step in feeling better. https://www.drericafels.com/building-pathways-for-positive-change/2019/1/16/intro-to-the-cbt-perspective

Today, I present an antidote. Check it out and check yourself!

David Burns is arguably the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and has some amazing books and resources to help people with various mood related concerns. Check out his website, blogs, articles, and podcasts to learn more! https://feelinggood.com/tag/fifty-ways-to-untwist-your-thinking/

As always, if you are experiencing severe distress, any suicidal or homicidal ideation, or anything you need help to cope with, please call 911 or seek professional support as soon as possible.

Today I’ll talk a little about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Regarding the cognitive piece, the idea is that our thoughts, affect what we do (behavior), and how we feel. One can intervene at the thought or behavior level, to create a change in functioning. Thoughts are extremely powerful and have the capacity to impact how we feel, what we do, and how we present ourselves to be in the world. One way to keep our thoughts in check, is to start paying attention to how we talk to ourselves. It’s very common to have distortions in our thinking, that impact us in ways that we could never imagine. Today, when something is bothering you, pay attention to your thoughts and see if you can identify any of these common distortions in your thinking. Raising awareness about these common, cognitive distortions, and checking your “self-talk,” might be all you need to do, to have a better day.